This one time

The previous year I had taken an old car battery to the metal recylers I knew that they were worth about $5 each, and just a week previous I had noticed a really big old car battery under the house left here by the previous owner.

I went to the dump the next day, and what do you know, there were 2 more car batteries sitting right beside the pit!  So I put them in the car and took them home (one leaked a bit of acid and burnt a whole in the concrete in my garage).

I now had 4 batteries – about $20 worth!

With a smug look on my face, I drove to work the next day with the batteries in the back of the car, and took them in during my lunch break.

How much did I get?

$8.

Not $8 each. $8 total!

Despite the increase in lead price over the last few years (driven by an increase in demand for motorbikes and cars  in China), the metal recyclers had decided to decrease their payout.

$20 is a decent bit of cash, but $8 was an insult for all the time and effort I had put into this project.

Next time, I just bury my old car battery in the garden.

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This one time

That was a mistake on his part.

I misjudged my approach on a corner and completely flattened one of his orange trees.

Oops.

He had a good laugh though.

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This one time

There was barely enough room for me. I basically had to contort to fit in there.

The locking mechanism was completely exposed, I was confident there would be no problem opening it once I got inside.

I crammed myself in there and closed the door, and peaked out through the tiny vent and felt very proud of myself.

After a few moments I decided I had enough and tried to turn the latch.

It wouldn’t budge!

To my dismay it became evident that it wouldn’t move without the key!

I started to panic.  It got hot in there very quickly and since I was half way between sitting and standing it was terribly uncomfortable.

I started yelling for help but no-one came.

I kept screaming until someone finally came running in.

It took him a while to find out where I was.

“In here! In here!” I was yelling.

“Where? Where?” he yelled back and I could see him running around the room.

He found my locker at last and tried the handle but it wouldn’t move.

“Where’s the key?” he asked.

“Here” I sobbed and tried to poke the key with it’s huge keyring through the tiny ventilation slots, but it wouldn’t fit.

“I’ll go and get a manager with a master key!”

“Hurry!” I yelled as he left.

Finally a manager came to let me out. I was drenched in sweat, shaking and whimpering, but I survived.

I’ve been mildly claustrophobic ever since.

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This one time

One mate announced he was ready and got into position with just his undies on.

My job was to hold the lighter in position, but I got too close and burnt a hole in his undies and singed his nut sack.

He howled in pain while we howled with laughter.

Good times.

Want to see some video footage of people lighting their farts?

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This one time

I ended up saving about $15, but spent $4 extra in petrol and 25 minutes commuting.

But I just hate being ripped off, no matter what the cost.

I wonder how long it took for the Woolworths staff to decide that the trolley was abandoned and I wasn’t coming back?

Maybe they checked all the freezers just in case it belonged to an old lady who had fallen into one and couldn’t get out?

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It was almost a perfect circle about 40cm in diameter.

I thought it was curious but I didn’t think much of it, until I walked around to the other side of the house and saw a similar, but smaller patch of dead grass.

This window was in the hallway just accross from my dads bedroom…

This really got me thinking.

The answer came to me out of the blue. Piss.

My dads house is actually an old office building that used to have about 10 people working in it. It is very long and between his bedroom and the toilet there are 2 hallways and 2 large open spaces which are at opposite ends. One of the hallways has a cold linolium floor and is lined with concrete block so it can be very cold in the middle of the night.

So Dad was saving himself the walk by pissing out his bedroom window.

I challenged him and he confessed.

“Dad, one thing I can’t figure out though – why the secondary patch?”

He explained “Ah, yes, well I noticed that the primary patch was becoming quite large and thought I better give it a rest so every alternate night I piss out the window in the hallway opposite the bedroom”.

Aha, that explains it!

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(Also known as “perforated eardrum” or “ruptured eardrum”)

I was careening down the hydroslide at Waimarino Adventure Park during a Christmas party at work – head first, on a hydroslide mat.

The hydroslide ends with a 1.5 metre drop into the river.

The kayak hydroslide with the 1.5m drop into the river

As I was in mid-air I turned my head to the right just before I hit the water (foolish!).

The water shot into my ear at high velocity, I heard a “BANG!!” as I entered the water.

Thank god I was wearing a life-jacket because when I bobbed back to the surface I was in such pain I couldn’t even doggy-paddle.

The world was spinning. It felt like someone was pushing on my head to try and dunk me back into the water.

All I could do was hold my head in my hands and try not to spew.

I yelled to one of my workmates for help, thankfully he was close by on the river bank.

I’m known for my pranks and office shenanigans but thank goodness he took me seriously and jumped in immediately to rescue me.

Perhaps it was the blood that was trickling from my ear that told him I was serious.

Another workmate jumped in too (he’s a part-time surf lifesaver) and they pulled me to the bank.

It took about 15 minutes for the vertigo to subside to the point where I could walk.   But I still felt too sick to eat the huge BBQ dinner that was now ready to eat. I also have a reputation for a big appetite – especially for free food – so it was sad to let the team down on that one.

A trip to the A&E confirmed a perforated eardrum.  But thankfully I healed fast and there was no permanent damage.

A few months later I was in the surf when I turned my head at just the wrong moment when a wave was crashing down on me and “BANG!” I burst it again!

I stumbled back to my wife on the beach holding my head.  I still felt sick this time, but the perforation must have been very small because I recovered in 10 minutes and didn’t feel the need to see a doctor this time.

To prevent this from happening again I always tuck my chin and and “head-butt” waves.  It works. Try it.

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It’s confession time!

This one time I shoplifted a keyring from the souvenir shop at the Polynesian Spa in Rotorua.

(I couldn’t find a photo of the NZ version, but the American equivalent is shown on the right)

I was about 10 years old at the time.

While I was waiting for the rest of the family to finish getting changed, I was staring at this particular keyring which had all the NZ bank notes as miniture plastic versions.

I think the price was about $4, which was way out of my league (my weekly pocket money was about $2).  So after 10 minutes of sweating and stressing and checking to see if I was being watched, I put it in my pocket and took off.

I kept it hidden in a drawer beside my bed.  I couldn’t show anyone, because they might ask where I got it and I think I would crack under the pressure and confess.

I was racked with guilt for weeks.  Until, finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I buried it deep in the rubbish bin, and tried to forget about it.

But I couldn’t forget.

10 years later, I still felt guilty.

I was about 20 years old when I went back to the Polynesian Spa.  I went straight up to the souvenir counter and said “Hello. Ten years ago I stole a keyring from here.  Please accept my apology and my payment of $10.”  I handed over a $10 note and walked away.

The person at the counter just said “oh… thank you!”

Finally, I was free.

Are you carrying around any guilt?

Don’t let it eat at you for 10 years.

Make it right.  Pay for it and ask for forgiveness.  Be free.

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This one time

I scratched them all to reveal one winning card.  The total prize money for my efforts was $2.

Did I redeem it for two more $1 Instant Kiwi scratch cards for two chances to win the grand prize of $10,000?

No.

I got my $2 cash and went home.

Doesn’t everyone?

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This one time I tried to ride from home in Mount Maunganui to Morrinsville, a distance of 94 kilometres.

I estimated an average speed of 25kph so thought the ride would take 4 hours.

My wife and I were meeting her family for lunch in Morrinsville at 12, so I set off at 8am, and she was to follow in the car, leaving at 11am.

Upon setting off it became immediately obvious that this estimate was not conservative enough.  The head wind was vicious.  And even on the flat, before I began my climb of the Kaimai ranges, I was struggling to maintain an average of 20kph.

Oh dear.

However, I dug deep and persevered.

Half way into my ascent of the Kaimai ranges, the weather turned nasty.  The warm spring day become a harsh winter day.

It rained. I got soaked through (I was only wearing my bike shorts and shirt).

The wind got stronger.  I was almost buffeted into traffic on a couple of occassions.

The temperature plummeted from 19 degrees to about 5 degrees. My breath was frosty.

It got foggy, I was actually in the rain clouds.

My 5cm of cycle lane going up the Kaimai Ranges (before the weather turned nasty)

That’s when I got worried.

Huge logging trucks were coming up behind me and I didn’t have a fluro vest on, so they couldn’t see me through the fog until the last minute.  I had 5 centimetres of cycle lane to myself. Sometimes zero.

Even though I was still putting a big effort into my ride, it wasn’t enough to keep me warm. I started shivering.

I was in real trouble.

I looked over into the sheep farms beside the road and imagined grabbing a sheep, lying down on the ground and plonking the sheep on top of me to keep me warm.

I started looking for a farm house that I could seek shelter from, but all I could see was muddy farm roads. I had no idea how far along these roads the farm house might be, and I would have to walk in my cycle shoes with cleats.

Finally I saw a big red sign on the side of the road with a tarseal driveway.  The sign said “Farm Kills”.  I hoped this farm would be quite the opposite; my lifeline.

I rode past a few farm sheds up to the farm house.  I wrenched my frozen fingers off the handlebars and dismounted.

I knocked on the front door, hoping it would be flung wide and I would be warmly welcomed in (emphasis on the “warmly”!).  I envisaged a steaming shower and sitting around infront of a roaring fire in a dressing gown sipping cognac while my clothes were washed and dried.

Alas, it was not to be.

No-one opened the door. The place was deserted.

Apart from a vicious attack dog that was alerted to my presence and came racing around the corner of the house to bark at me.

Actually it wasn’t particularly vicious. And I beyond giving a damn.  I walked around to the verander of the property and had another knock on the ranchslider door just in case.  No answer.

The vicious attack dog that wasn't actually all that vicious.

I sat down on the veranda exhausted but thankful to be out of the rain and wind.  And after a few minutes the dog joined me.

I called my wife (thankfully my cellphone was still working despite the rain), and told her to leave a little early so she could pick me up on the way to Morrinsville.

The deer staring at me over the fence

As I was sitting there waiting, I noticed a herd of deer at the fence. They stared curiously at me. I stared wearily back at them.

So that’s it.

My attempt to ride over the Kaimai’s failed that day.

But I learnt a few valuable lessons for a later attempt:

1. Don’t even bother leaving if there’s going to be a ferocious head wind the whole way

2. Wear a fluro-vest even if it’s the middle of the day

3. If the weather turns to shit, quit.

4. When estimating the time, add at least 50% to the normal speed estimate

View of the Waikato from the top of the Kaimai's

And I did have another attempt 3 weeks later. And this time, success! It took 5 hours, at an average speed of 18kph.  My average during training rides is about 30kph so this gives you an indication of the difficulty.

Whew.

Goal achieved.

Refilling my drink bottle from the spring at the top of the Kaimai's

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